Memories of the Bittersweet

It is said that life is bittersweet. I have found this to be true. Parts of it are harsh and difficult to swallow. Others parts are bliss.

Lately I have been going back in my mind to memories of this bittersweet life I have been given. A gift to be sure, but not one that comes with joy alone.

I am reminded of my brother to whom I was so close. He was the odd one of the family...fair skin, blue blue eyes, the blondest hair, stocky and muscular, quiet and confident, never complaining. He was my hero. He was my best friend. I remember so little about him since I was so young when he died - I had just turned 4....he had just turned 6. Our birthdays were only 2 days apart in the cold month of January. It was February when God took him. His death was bittersweet. He had been taken from me, never to return - bitter. He was no longer in pain and in a place more glorious than I can even still imagine - sweet.

I think of my childhood. I was never the typical girl with Barbies and frilly dresses. I much preffered to ride by bike and climb trees. I was better friends with the boys than with the girls. I always knew where I stood with my guy friends, but girls are so backstabbing. I grew up in a place where I was able to experience the body of Christ functioning in a real and healthy way. I also had some very harmful views of God shoved down my throat. I learned there how to be real and open, how to make friends and to function as a friend. I've gone through events that most people only hear about on tv. I have experienced poverty at it lowest. I have experienced the bond of love at it strongest. Bitter. Sweet.

High school was a coming of age. Not just in the fact that I was getting older, but I was coming to understand some things. Thrown back into the cultural machine of these United States, I was lost. Not growing up here had me placed at a huge disadvantage since I didn't understand the lingo, the cultural mores, the function of the peer group, or any of the other things that these strange American kids did. I had a hard time making friends since the other MKs didn't think it was right to associate with the non-MKs (an idea that I thought was silly), and the non-MKs felt like we MKs were just a little to strange. I was in the sad chasm inbetween both groups. I was lonely - bitter. I was forced to get into some real relational struggles with my God which in the end gave me this amazing picture of who He really is - sweet.

College was much the same as high school. Still in this constant battle to find out where I belonged and what I was supposed to do. That's when I met Rob. College was bitter and sweet.

Learning to be a wife, and soon after that a mother brought new things. Selflessness had to be, and still is being, learned. Learning to function as a unit instead of as a solo act. Learning to forgo certain dreams. Learning that life will never be exactly as I wanted it to, and that is probably the best thing. Learning to taste heaven in the middle of hell. Bitter and sweet.

I guess without the contrast, we would never really know either reality. Bitterness would not be bitter and sweetness would not be sweet. We would be stuck in the middle of blandness. Without the rain, the sun is just hot. Without the cold, the warmth just makes you sweat. Withouth the brokenness, the wholeness feels empty. If there were no tears, could anything really make you laugh?

I know one thing about my Creator. He is simply that....a creator. He is creative. He understands the extremes and how to make them both poigniant. He knows that without the greeness of spring leaves, we would never appreciate the colors of the Fall. Without the bearness of winter, we would never appreciate the lavishness of Spring. Without the sting of the bee, we would never know the wonder in the kiss of a butterfly. He gives us the contrast to woo us. He lets us experience all this so that when we experience Him, it is not just black and white, but the spilling of colors all over each other. It is the mixture of rhythms and notes, fast and slow, high and low. It is the quiet and the clamour. It is bear hugs and soft caresses. It is the fullness of His flavor. His majesty and humility.

Sometimes we lament over what has past in our lives. I know that I do. Sometimes I get to feeling sad and down. Sometimes I let the bitter parts drown out the memory of the sweet. But for some reason - grace is all I can really blame - I am always reminded of the sweetness. I am always brought back to the contrasts so that I can fully experience what today will bring. So, today, I wander in memories of the bittersweet, and all I can really do is smile.